mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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