I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
