Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
