The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
