Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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