WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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