She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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