I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
