My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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