I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
