I got chris browned last night
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
