I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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