Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
