He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
