What a fucking waste of an outfit
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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