Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
