I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
