Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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