my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
