oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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