if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
