We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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