We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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