when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
