when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
