If i come over, it means nothing
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Its about making memories worth repressing
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
