and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
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