life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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