he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
NoShamevember. You game?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
That accounts for only three of the penises
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
