I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
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