I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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