She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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