Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Randomize
