Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
