Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
