On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
do herpes really smell.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
