so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
