i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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