"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
