I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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