..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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