You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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