I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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