I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
