Even the bartender felt bad for me
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
