I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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