Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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