I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
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