two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
