I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
