Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
