Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
